Hello, 2018. Here we are!
I did a tarot pull on the full [super]moon,
which just so conveniently happened to be on January 1st.
I wanted to see what messages appeared
and, from those, what resonated.
It became crystal clear to me through this reading
that it was me that I needed to get out of my own way.
And by that, I mean
my own unwillingness,
my own inability to let go (and to ‘go there’),
my own fear,
my own hiding.
I was getting in my own way
of letting the MAGIC + ALCHEMY unfold,
which my TRUE Service needed in order to be brought to life.
I believe, our soul contracts as coaches, healers, light workers,
(or whatever you want to label people like me)
included that we accepted
the often challenging, though often beautiful responsibility
of transmuting our pain into Service.
It means that we are asked to
take not just our joys, but also
our Dark Nights of the Soul,
the ups AND the downs,
and use it ALL as raw material for
a greater good,
a higher purpose,
something bigger than “I”.
We are the ones who
do not solely ‘overcome’ or ‘heal’ our own stuff,
but have a deep, burning desire,
a call that cannot be refused,
to help others in some similar way.
But to do so requires a mindset of
SOVEREIGNTY + SERVICE,
which I’ve chosen as my two of my main intentions in my own personal work.
I was recently reminded of the word Sovereign
from Erin Brown’s new book
that I’ve heard nothing but amazing things about.
It is titled using that singular, powerful word:
I knew what it meant loosely, but I’m a bit of a
‘word nerd’, and I know Erin chose it carefully,
so I looked it up.
Sovereign has a undoubtedly ‘political’ undertone,
by that I mean it goes beyond the individual, and
by necessity, referring to the collective, as
“none of us are free, if one of us is chained.” (~ Solomon Burke)
Sovereignty is all about autonomy and power,
but for me, it is not power OVER.
It is the power within,
of my being, of my body, of my life force energy.
This doesn’t mean not giving a damn
about how our actions and words impact others,
or that we don’t ever need or want support,
Rather, to reclaim our Sovereignty, we must remember that:
We belong to no one.
And the reason I chose both Sovereignty AND Service,
is that Sovereignty (for me, anyway)
is not just about me and my own expansion + growth,
(which of course, IS part of it),
but it’s also about
how my ability to Serve is limited
whenever I give my power (and therefore autonomy) away.
Like, when I
don’t feel solid in Me,
don’t stand my ground,
shame parts of me I’ve been taught to ‘keep quiet’ to avoid making others uncomfortable or make me ‘unlikable’,
am afraid to step on toes or ‘give off the wrong idea’,
am only sexual or strong-willed or passionate or helpful or speaking in ways that others approve of, agree with, or don’t feel ‘triggered’ by,
‘won’t go there’ to avoid being controversial,
focus more on pleasing than Serving,
don’t own my accomplishments or who I am for fear of seeming cocky or bitchy,
buy into cultural myths of what / how a woman ‘should’ be ,
stay on the surface instead of going deep + straight to the point when that is what’s really needed.
It’s all me standing in my own way.
Some souls are comfortable with
inherently owning their Sovereignty from day 1,
there is not even really much of a question for them;
they feel clear and confident in owning that.
I was not one of those people.
I grew up with a key focus of
keeping the peace,
not rocking the boat,
being well-liked and easy to get along with,
the ‘dream girl’,
a ‘lovelier version of a man’.
It was not just a PART of life,
it was a WAY of life,
the main end goal of the big picture of life.
I stopped questioning others and continued to
just more intensely question myself,
I lost myself before my eyes,
not even understanding what I had done.
“Giving away your power?!”
“What does that even mean?!”
“I’ve never had any power!”
(Yes, very unaware of the concepts of power and/or privilege at the time as well. Bear with me, here)
But you see, we’re ALL born with power,
and unless we learn:
how to manage it + that it’s ours to claim,
how to claim our Selves for ourselves,
how not to give our Selves away,
then it will likely disappear before we even have
the ability or time to notice.
It is not selfish to want what is yours.
Your personal power, to have compassion for yourself,
your right to life, to express your truth, to experience joy,
are not things you should need to EARN.
I’ve chosen both Sovereignty and Service
because they are deeply interwoven.
To serve from a place
where I am not fully in my power,
is not the type of Service I want to put forth into the world.
(And quite frankly, vocation aside, not the life I want to live for myself.)
But Sovereignty also asks us to change in other ways.
Bye bye victimhood.
Bye bye blaming.
Bye bye hoping others clean up your messes.
Bye bye playing it safe.
Bye bye pushing through the pain.
Bye bye ignoring extreme boundary violations.
In my work,
I help women to release, break free,
from the molds of what they’re *supposed* to be
or expected to be, so that they can
reach their highest UNIQUE potential and
live their OWN version of a fulfilling life.
And in breaking free, we create the space needed to begin the process of reclamation.
our time + energy,
our personal power,
nature + cycles,
So many women I meet are stressed, anxious, and drained.
We have been taught to be so consumed by
following the rules that are created so that we may never win,
so that we perpetually chase the next thing that will finally get us ‘there’.
We are so consumed by making sure we ‘make the cut’, so we don’t get abandoned.
Along the way, someone convinced us that we weren’t worth *It*
unless we worked for It, earned It,
and in just the ways outlined here: See pages 1 through infinity,
so full of contradictions and so long, you’ll never get there in a hundred lifetimes. Keep your eye on the prize, honey! Eye on the prize…!
I believe that every person was put on this earth to do powerful things.
That doesn’t even have to mean career.
It may mean being the fiercest, most loving, integrous parent
It may mean being an advocate for those who don’t have a voice.
It may mean teaching others how to take better ownership + responsibility
in our role as humans + citizens of this earth.
Whatever it is, it is magical. Pure. Divine. Magic. Magic that we NEED.
I am dedicated to being a part of the movement
to bring this magic to life.
But first, we must break free and clear the space,
so that we have the time + energy + capacity to Serve.
We must let go of what is holding us back,
so that we may surrender and allow the truth to surface, to come to life.
We must stop stuffing it all down, fearing ourselves and our power.
We are constantly being asked
to buy into the traps of the infamous ‘shoulds’,
and spend tremendous amounts of
time, energy, and emotion on adhering to them.
You know, toxic memes saying things like:
“real women ____”
[fill in the blank with what you will…]
It’s a game of the human pretzel.
We are so distracted and consumed by
twisting and contorting ourselves,
that we forget why we’re even doing it in the first place.
In the case of our bodies:
“OK, Skinny, got it!”
“Oh wait, now Muscular? Off to the weight room!”
“Curvy? KK BRB. Time to work on shrinking everything BUT the parts that are ‘supposed to be curvy!’”
It’s exhausting even just typing that.
We forget that it is a choice; I know I did.
The first time my coach asked me
WHY I was doing what I was doing,
I was speechless.
I was so busy trying to be “that” or “there” that I didn’t even remember why (or consider there were other ways to create the feeling I wanted to feel.)
Yet, there is something scary about this for most of us.
If we give up on all of this BS, then what?!
We have big dreams, we desire something more from life, we’re not totally happy with how things are, BUT…
is there even truly another option? And if so, what do I even do about it?
My life truly began when instead of saying and living by what I ‘should’ do,
I began to ask myself simple, yet powerful questions, like:
“Should I, REALLY? Why?”
“Does this make me miserable? Why? What might feel better?”
Life changes when you start spending more time
getting curious about life
rather than pushing down the discomfort, denying it, invalidating emotions,
just agreeing that you ‘should’ and ‘must’,
lest you risk being the culturally-feared female stigmas of things like:
not ‘bubbly’ enough, fat, not ‘feminine’, single, slutty, etc.
However, I also wondered:
if I give up ‘the fight’ in the name of reclamation,
would I also be giving up the chance of at least knowing
I had a few things that kept me ‘in the game’?
Was heading in this direction of
authenticity + purpose + truth
(which SOUNDS great and all…)
going to undo
my decades of carefully-crafted Self?
The life I had built was certainly going to come
that much was clear.
But the bigger question is:
was it going to be WORTH IT?
Was I going to look back and say:
WTF did I do that?!
Yet, I continued down this new path,
but with faith tipping the scale just *that* little bit more,
trusting that the fear was normal,
and that I was coming Home to my Self.
I had been taught to
fear my Self,
fear my desires,
fear my power,
fear my intuition,
fear my femininity.
Fear being ME.
(Are you afraid to really be you, too? Where are you not honoring You?)
We need YOU.
If we’re both being honest,
I have a feeling that if you found something that TRULY meant a whole lot to you, and allowed it to mean a whole lot to you,
at the very least, more to you than counting calories consumed and/or burned, or whether or not someone likes you,
or if people think your job is ‘impressive’ or not.
And I told you that you could pursue that instead, and still
be valid and matter and deserve a place in the world
or that you might even get MORE of all of those things if you did;
I’d be willing to bet you might go after it.
But so often, we don’t let go.
Because we’re not so sure.
We’re not so sure that we WILL get what we are looking for
if we ‘give up the fight’ or stop ‘putting in effort’ in the ways we do now.
We are living in fear of being abandoned in some way, eternally dependent on meeting cultural standards to earn our existence + joy.
The moment you can begin to find:
Love for yourself,
as you are.
Confirmation of your right to exist,
as you are.
as you are.
Belonging and support,
as you are.
…that is when the ‘shoulds’ begin to matter less because it is then that you are free to act from faith instead of being led by fear.
The world of ‘shoulds’ is dependent on some condition being true
in order for you to deserve being worthy of some basic emotion or need.
But once we realize no proof is needed be worthy of feeling
to take up space…
the world takes an entirely new shape.
We unconsciously follow the breadcrumb trail of ‘shoulds’ for so long,
that when we look up, we realize that we are far from where we want to be,
or we’re exactly where we thought we wanted to be,
but we feel empty inside.
Yet… now what?!
And why does any of this matter anyway?
Well, for lots of reasons, and beyond the numerous reasons this serves the individual actually doing the work,
the Collective is also healed as more of us become Sovereign + free.
If we can find a way to reach out and ask for help with taking off our own shackles,
we can begin to learn how to do this for others,
through simply serving as an example by living our own life,
through teaching them how to do the same,
through finding ways to free each other,
rather than continuing to project our feelings of ’stuckness’ + lack of liberty + autonomy + shame + unworthiness onto others.
“If I can’t be me (aka truly happy), then neither can you.”
Conscious or not,
how we treat + see + feel about our Selves is
how we treat + see + feel about others.
And this is why reclaiming
the Sovereignty of she who Serves
enhances not only She,
but also the Service she offers to the world.
For without sovereignty, her Service is limited and restricted
by whatever owns it or has the ‘majority stake’ in what she is allowed to
be, do, say, express, create, feel…
She cannot truly teach what she cannot fully claim for herself.
The opinions and thoughts of others matter too much; purity is diminished.
Revolutions and transformation require us to say and do what no one else will.
And to feel free to do so, her doing + being must be Sovereign.
All of those quotes and powerful things from the past, we can embrace now, because we’ve culturally taken them on as truth or values or morals.
But at the time, most of what was being said that is celebrated today was revolutionary, unpopular, threatening to the status quo.
Had they all stayed silent – where would we find ourselves?
For too long, I was afraid of my big britches.
The shoes I knew was being asked to step in.
I thought I could just maneuver my way into something less…
something easier to talk about at a dinner party…
as uncontroversial as possible…
So, I preoccupied myself with people-pleasing,
the less scary, safer, way-more-exhausting alternative to
accepting my mission and purpose,
making a bigger impact + difference in the world.
You might see transformation and revolution
as the more exhausting option.
But where I find myself
at this point in the time + space continuum,
is one where
I’d choose being disagreed with any day over
wasting any more of my energy making sure I am agreed with,
hiding myself + holding back my truth
or going through my mental rolodex of who might disapprove,
causing me to freeze + not take action,
to not Serve.
It doesn’t mean I’m never wrong,
or I can’t learn from others or change my mind.
However, my primary commitment is not to approval,
it is to the growth and healing of myself and the world around me,
even if that means taking some flack for it.
And I’m bigger now, in many ways. Thank goodness.
As I’ve gradually stop
standing in my own way,
tossing out the literal and metaphorical pants two sizes too small and
started buying ones that fit my ever expanding being.
The ones that allow me to evolve and grow and change
so that in turn, I can help the world to do the same.
Join me. Aho. <3
As always, feel free to share this with anyone who may find it helpful, and I look forward to hearing how it helps you.
P.S. If you need some help with this (or other related topics) and are interested in possibly working together, comment below or hit ‘Contact’ button at the top, and let’s get talkin’!